Look Out, Mayberry!

Oh, Taj MaHellions...so much to tell you!  I suppose that's what happens when you take a nearly four-month sabbatical from writing anything more challenging than a grocery list. 

In the past few months, we've survived Christmas, rung in a brand new year, eaten way too much Valentine candy and made plans to MOVE TO THE TAJ MAHELL.  Full-time, beyotches! 

Seems Shawn got on the radar of a corporate headhunter and his pointy little head (it truly IS pointy) got hunted.  The new job is about 50 minutes southeast of the Taj, so we will temporarily relocate there and plan a move closer to his work once our Gilligan's Island house has sold.  That should take a while, since we haven't finished the to-do list to even get it on the market.  Gee, I should start a whole new blog and then forget to write about the Gilligan renovations!  Or...maybe not.

So anyway, I know I've been MIA and both of the people who look at this blog have given up on it, but I'm planning to actually pick it up again and detail not only the remaining renovation of the Taj MaHell, but also my descent into madness as I attempt to live in a town that doesn't have a Target.  Or a mall.   Or baseball.  Or liquor-by-the-drink.  Think "wine margaritas", y'all...and FEEL MY PAIN!

On the good side, our entire demented extended family lives within minutes of the Taj, so we'll be able to drive them nuts with our shenanigans.  And possibly also get some free baby-sitting.

Mayberry-bound in 10 days.  Asylum-bound in 11.

Life's a Bowl of Chairies

Quick update from the Taj before Tank and I head back to the coast tomorrow.

The Smell:  gone!  The Pest Dude's suggestion to run a box fan at the access door under the house worked like a charm.  So did the cheap box fan I bought years ago at Fred's and that we have severely abused.  The latest indignity was being run outside during a thunderstorm to get Possum Stank out from under the house. 

Projects:  none!  Well, that's not entirely true.  I did pick up a neat chair and repainted it.  My sister in law is the handiest human being in the world and she spotted this chair at a local junk store and texted me a picture.  When I said I liked it, she picked it up for me and this weekend, I finally got it from her and slapped some paint on it.  I thought it did pretty well:

Before

After

I also found this fun old phone at a Mayberry antique store.  At $50 it was a splurge, but a good bit cheaper than the ones I had found on ebay.  Shawn and I had thought it would be nice to have a phone around the same vintage as the house and put it on the built-in telephone table in the hallway.  This one STILL WORKS!  Tank had fun playing with the rotary dial...probably the only one he'll ever see!

"Pennsylvania 6500, please!"

It's pretty late now and Tank's been waking up early the last few days, so I am barely dragging around. 

Hopefully the next Taj trip will see a bit more progress than just a painted chair!

No News Is....No News

Friday again and I am recuperating from four hours in the dentist's chair late yesterday.  SEVEN shots of novocaine and then she gave me an 800mg Motrin for the trip home.  I'm not going into further detail because really, four hours under the dentist's sadistic hands says it all.  I mean, DAMN.  Luckily I had some leftover margarita mix, so I was able to self-medicate last night.  Half my mouth was numb, though, so I had to drink it through a straw and even that was a challenge, because I couldn't seem to pucker that side of my lips.  I hope to God I never have a stroke, because it would clearly hinder the liquor-delivery system.  And I am guessing that I will be the sort of old person that the people who run the "home" would WANT to be liquored up.

 On to the Taj:

It seems nothing happened at all this week, in terms of the Taj moving closer to being ours.  We'd received a contact at the closing agency, so after 3 days went by, I called her and left a voice mail.  The next day, I emailed her.  Then I called again two days later, but her voice mailbox was full.  Long story short, we finally got hold of a different person at the agency, thanks to the auction site representative.  The closing peeps are waiting on an updated title on the property, a water bill, the tax bill* and a re-key, which the real estate agency is handling.  The other items were noted as "requested--pending," so hopefully they will not hold us up too much.  (*Quick note:  we missed a ton of things we should have checked on with this purchase, but I am proud that we didn't forget to check with the local tax assessor's office to make sure that the taxes were paid up.  They were.  I'm not sure how it works, if the buyer would be responsible for any outstanding taxes, but it stands to reason that it could happen.  Just another thing to check before you commit!)

While I've been twiddling my thumbs and waiting for news, I have been looking over the photos we took of the Taj MaHell and getting some projects thought out.  Initially, we're going to have to shell out some money to professionals (roof, electrical), so I am only looking into relatively cheap, DIY projects that I can do alone.  Shawn may work weekends this summer to make extra money, so I could manage smaller projects like paint and yard work...both of which would make a huge improvement. 

Anyhoobastank, Shawn saw an ad in my Southern Living magazine (he reads it in the bathroom.  I know...I don't even want to think about that) for Rustoleum's Cabinet and Countertop Transformations.   Link to their website here:    http://www.rustoleumtransformations.com/ 

I read some reviews and this stuff actually seems to work as advertised.  I plan to definitely do the countertops and am thinking about the cabinets.  My only hesitation is that the cabinets are cheap knotty pine and have flat slabs for doors.   We were talking about just painting them gloss white and adding fun hardware...and just pretending that these cabinets are EXACTLY what we wanted.   This Rustoleum product shows the wood grain, which on these cabinets would not be a plus.  I'd like to either add molding/trim to beef up the doors and make them look less shitty outdated or just get all new doors and drawer fronts.  So, I'm not sure if I'll do the cabinets yet or just wait a while.  Either way, I'll give this new stuff a try and let you know how it goes.  I am cautiously optimistic, because I used a tub and tile refinisher at Uncle Todd's Cabin and was pleasantly surprised with the results.  It was one of those, "Well, it'll either look slightly less bad or I'll screw it up royally and have to gut the whole room" type deals and I have to say, the stuff covered the tile beautifully and seems to be holding up really well.  Maybe the same will be true of these crazy painted counter tops!

Off to make more lists.....

It was bound to happen

Well, we haven't even closed on the Taj yet, but we hit the first snag today.  That's no surprise...there are going to be many "Oh shit" moments during this process and I wasn't fool enough to think we'd emerge unscathed.

Today, I made a call to the Greater Mayberry city services number to ask about getting electrical service on and in our names.  What I wanted to know was how much of a deposit we'd need to pay.  What I did NOT want to know was that the house has to be inspected and any issues found with the electrical need to be brought up to code before permanent service can be started.

I am sure there's a list of things that have to be done to the house to bring it up to code.  When I think about how much this is going to cost, I throw up.  Just a little bit.  In the back of my mouth.

On the positive side, we are relieved to be dealing with Mayberries and not the ridiculously officious bureaucrats we tend to encounter here where I am being held prisoner delighted to live.  The woman at the city services offices did not know me from Adam's housecat, but was thrilled to hear that the Taj had been purchased and would be fixed up.  I also accidentally called the wrong number to ask about trash pickup and was on the phone for a good fifteen minutes with a very informative and friendly lady who answered every question I had, even though I'd called the county trash number instead of the city one.*  Down here, I would have been transferred as fast as three-inch fingernails could have punched the extension and promptly forgotten.  (*Note: they are actually the same company, but the city handles its own residents on behalf of the company, while the company itself manages the county residents.  Lest you think there are actually TWO trash companies in Mayberry)

Does it sound like I am being condescending toward the 'Berry?  I truly hope not.  There's a reason we're gambling a lot of money on a reno to salvage a house we'll likely only see thirty days out of any given year.  I can't put it into words exactly, but here's a story that sort of explains...

My sister the Farm Maven told me yesterday that her husband, the fabulous David, had ridden up on an elderly man who'd run his truck into a ditch near their house.  The man was shaken but unhurt and mostly concerned about getting a tow truck to pull him out of the deep ditch.  David went back to the house, got a chain and pulled the fellow out without further ado.  That's how it's done in the country.  The first truck to pass that elderly gentleman wasn't a thief or a killer; he was a hard-working man who needed to get home to supper but who probably never thought about just driving past a stranger in need.

We've got theaters down here, the ocean, appallingly expensive schools and the finest food you'll ever pay a crapload of money to eat.  I wouldn't stop to think, though, if the opportunity came to shuck it all and head back to Mayberry.  I'd just pack up and go.  And hope if the Jeep broke down, it'd be on a back road traveled by hard-working men headed home to supper.

How Does One Buy a Taj MaHell?

For those of you happily unaware of the fun-filled world of buying houses at auction, here's a brief tutorial:

Step One:  Check your auction sites!  Two that I check frequently are www.realtybid.com and www.auction.com.  Both are easy to navigate and pretty informative.  Once you find a house that interests you, check all the available information on it.  You probably won't get much, other than a few photos, an aerial view of the property and a scary warning that the home does not qualify for conventional financing.

Step Two:  If that hasn't totally scared the crap out of you, look at the bidding history.  When does the auction start, or if it has already started, has anyone bid on the property?  Some hot properties have lots of bidders right away; others may only have one or two people who bid at the very last minute.  If no one is bidding and there are several days left on the auction, you can sit tight and just watch to see what happens.  Or, you can enter a minimum bid as a fishing expedition to see if anyone outbids you.  That lets you know if someone is actively watching the same property.

Step Three:  Go get dirty.  Most auctions have open houses and the dates are listed on the auction site.  GO CHECK OUT THE PROPERTY IN PERSON.  I can't stress this enough!  Go poke around, look in and under everything and make an educated decision about the highest bid you are willing to enter.  Take lots of pictures, too!  Then go home and load them on your computer and look at them over and over.  Check out any visible damage and ALWAYS assume there is more that is not visible!  Whether you are able to personally see the property or not, it's a good idea to decide how much you can afford to put into the property and then subtract the cost of the obvious necessary repairs.  Then, subtract closing costs and internet auction fees, etc.  THEN you have an idea of your maximum bid. 

Step Four:  Bid, Baby, Bid!  Our strategy was to wait until 5 minutes before the auction ended before we even posted our initial bid.  No one bid against us and we were the high bidder.  Success!  Well, not exactly.  Because the seller's reserve wasn't met, the house went into post-auction bidding, which can last for another week.  At any time during that period, the seller can receive a better offer and go with it or simply reject your offer and walk away without selling.  In the end, we went up a little on our price and the seller came down a little on his reserve and we came to an agreement.

Step Five:  The Legal Crap.  Once you have won the auction, in most cases you'll be sent a Purchase Agreement, which is not the same as a contract.  The purchase agreement details what you are agreeing to pay for the property and your understanding of its condition and that it is being sold "as is/where is."  You'll sign that and if the seller likes the numbers, you will THEN receive a contract to sign. 

Step Six:  Now What?!  Once you have a signed contract, you'll complete the closing process and possibly take possession at closing (most auctioned homes are vacant, so this is common).  Have licensed, bonded contractors standing by to give estimates on repairs that must be done right away.


And then the real fun begins!

We have only done minor, cosmetic re-habbing, so undertaking this massive project is a terrifying thought.  We were smart not to risk more money than we had available.  We knew the house had to have a new roof, so we figured an additional $10,000 into our purchase price to make sure we stayed within the numbers we could manage.  Once we put a roof on, we can take our time with most of the other repairs, since they don't have the same potential to damage the structure.

Our time line is something like this:  the auction ended on May 11, 2011.  The next day we received a notice that we had not met the seller's reserve and we learned for the first time what that reserve was.  Over the next 2 days, we went back and forth, each side inching towards the middle.  In the end, we went up from $17,500 to $22,500 and the seller went down from $31,250 to $22,500.  We received an emailed purchase agreement, filled that out, signed and initialled everything and overnighted it to the auction site.  They in turn overnighted a copy of the agreement, along with our $2000 deposit to the seller.  The seller took several days to officially accept the purchase agreement and now we are just waiting for a contract to be sent.  Our tentative closing date is June 17th and we will take possession at closing, so auctions tend to move pretty fast!

This post is long and way too full of details, so I'll stop here and we'll cover some of the fun stuff in a later post!